Thought Sorting

I’m honestly feeling pretty overwhelmed, I’m just not sure why.

Terrible sleep – I was woken by my husband smacking me in his sleep.

Draining interaction with my hairdresser, as much as I like her.

Concern about a best friend who left work today due to an extreme physiological stress reaction. Concern about another friend who just moved 1200 km away yesterday only to find he’d been scammed and doesn’t actually have a place to live. And then there’s that group of online LGBTQ Christians that I’m trying to influence positively, those are all things I was juggling during my hair appointment today.

Then came another friend. An imposition. One I’m willing to make, but an imposition nonetheless. She’d had a tough day of her own and needed a safe place to reset her brain and get it out of the negative funk it was trying to maintain, so I’m allowing her to use my dining room for the evening.

And then my husband’s friend shows up to play a game, without clear communication about when he’s coming or if they’re planning to play here, and with his wife as well. So suddenly and I felt expected to spend time with them and give of myself even more. Ah. That’s it. There are the tears.

When husband’s friend arrived, he commented (with amusement to me while hubby was elsewhere) at how flustered my husband seemed with their arrival. My response was a little sardonic. I said, “Yes, because he relies on communication.” It hurt him, and I apologised for being so biting. He asked why I was like that lately, and my answer was that I’m doing school right now, but it’s so much more than that.

I’m doing school.

I suddenly feel pressured to get a job so that my depressed husband can be released from carrying the heavy load he’s been carrying for so long. (Here come more tears.)

The job I’ve applied for required moving cities. Lots of change. Lots of difficulty. Even being away from my husband for a while (months!) as we transition. I’m not excited about that because right now I feel like I don’t have the resources with which to deal with any of it. I could look for jobs here, but the one that requires moving would help me set boundaries. Have a fresh start on setting boundaries from the beginning. I truthfully am looking forward to the possibility of moving just because I’d like the fresh start.

I can see I don’t have the boundaries I need. I see that I need space, but then I see someone who seems to be in worse shape than I am, and I accommodate for them. It slows my own healing.

But what do you do when your husband needs to spend time with his friend playing a game that’s a really fun and recharging activity for him? He needs to have people. I really need to not have people. And I think I might be the stronger/healthier one of us right now. And none of this is easy to explain because I have to think out loud. Or on paper, apparently.

You know that “hide in bed until the world is an easier place” feeling? Yeah. That.

Image credit: https://simplegreensmoothies.com/