I was thinking about my blog a few weeks ago and trying to figure out why I don't post on here more often. At the time, I thought, "man, I don't really use it at all. I could just get rid of it." But didn't.
Tonight is a perfect example of why I keep it around.
My heart is full, and it needs to go somewhere. So, here it is.
Have you ever felt the juxtaposition of having empty days and yet still feeling mentally exhausted? That's me right now. All my mental energy seems to be going into my schooling (I'm working on my master's), and that means the rest of life - relationships and people I care about - are suffering. My temper is shorter. My patience is thinner. My perspective is narrower and more selfish. I don't have the energy to be the generous person I aspire to be.
The last few days have been particularly difficult because I've been working on a group project, and it hasn't gone as smoothly as I'd hoped. One of my friends asked if I'd heard about a new movie. I immediately turned to a different friend and asked if he wanted to go - not even considering the first friend. Today, I invited a friend over for the evening as a perk for the long weekend and a treat for me. I failed to see that much of my behaviour that evening was either ignoring what my friend was needing or was actually damaging to him.
I guess a good summary of how I'm feeling would be too say that I'm trying, I'm trying really hard, but nothing I'm doing is good enough. It's not working. With school, with my responsibilities, with my relationships. And that sucks.
But I'll keep trying. There's got to be an end somewhere, right?
