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Today I bought myself a new journal. I have several, now, all currently in use. One is for when I do an Examen - a time of mediation where I ask Holy Spirit to show me when I was closest and furthest from God that day. The second is where I keep my conversational prayers. Third is my Heart-Cry prayers, the hurts. When I ache and I want to tell God about it - I find it easier to write than to pray.
I bought myself a fifth journal, now. It's labelled with my pet names for my husband because it's purpose is to protect our marriage.
You see, everyone needs someone who is a close and safe friend they can talk to about their marriage frustrations. Someone who is available. I thought I'd had that someone, but I was wrong. I was putting too much strain, too much pressure, too much expectation on a friendship. In fact, I was placing too much importance on that friendship, and grew too close to that person. Emotionally attached. Dangerous to my marriage. So I stepped away. I broke my ties to that friend, took back my heart, and placed that person back where they belong. My dearest friend, but no more.
I've now decided to stop confiding in that person about my marriage. It's unfair to them. It's unfair to my husband. And it has the potential to become unsafe again.
Buying a journal into which to pour out my heart is my way of fighting. When my husband is the person I need to talk about, not to, and I have no one else, I will write. Writing has come easier than talking, of late. My ideas flow better.
This journal will be my very heartbeat, and I will guard it. No longer will I be giving pieces of my heart away.
Which makes me sad.
I love being open. Being vulnerable. Being fully honest. There is a purity and a truth in it.
But I can't trust myself.
There are two Beths, and they fight bitterly. One tries desperately to protect her marriage, while the other strives just as desperately to find some comfort in a truly difficult world.
One one Beth is the real one.
I choose to be Beth. Elisabeth, which means Consecrated to God.
And I choose to fight for my marriage.
