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| Thanks to ohgelie for the photo. It's perfect. |
One of the toughest places to be, in my opinion, is stuck in the middle. Right now I'm stuck in the middle of being able and not able. I've been on a medical leave for the last year, not able to work. I'm now at the point where the act of not-working is exacerbating the situation, making my condition worse. However, I'm not yet well enough to go back to work full time.
To make things tougher, I'm a teacher. There are very few teaching opportunities that are part-time, especially for someone who has a continuing contract. Like me. There are days when I love my class and have so much fun teaching - days when it just clicks. Then there are days when I come home and bawl my eyes out, wanting to quit. Now, I can hear the other teachers out there saying, "That's just normal, honey, it's called being a teacher!" But this is more than that. This is feeling swallowed by despair because you feel like you're inadequate. Incapable. Untrustworthy. I'm not talking about a Really Bad Day. I've had those. I've been teaching for 6 years. I'm talking about honest-to-goodness despair. Now that's scary.
Now comes the "stuck" part. I love teaching. I love the kids. It's everything else that overwhelms me. Submitting year plans and professional growth plans and discipline plans. Paperwork out my wazoo. And then, there's this: I truly believe God called me to be a teacher. I feel like I would die without the opportunity to teach. "Then why do I feel so useless? Why does this overwhelm me so much?" My head and heart argue with each other, and I end up in tears. It happens so often, I'm sick to death of it.
Today's one of *those* days, obviously.
I've started looking at other teaching options. Tutoring. Being a home school facilitator. Teaching online. I keep thinking they'll be less stressful. It'll be easier to work a flexible schedule and not deal with 6 different groups of 30 rangy hormone-driven kids each day. You know the problem with them all? It takes me out of the classroom. And so I don't know. I'm stuck.
If you're reading this, I'd appreciate some prayer.
