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| maggiebebbe.deviantart.com |
Sometimes I wake up melancholy. It's usually triggered by something, but the end result is that I have a morning by myself where I'm imprisoned by my emotions. See, that's the difficulty I have with not working right now. Because I don't have a job, I think too much. I'm left too much on my own. I have only my own thoughts and emotions for company. And my thoughts and emotions are avid conversationalists.
Today is one of Those Days.
I only want to cry. I am crying.
You know what's silly? My brain knows better. My brain knows that I'm being foolish. Or taking something personally when it wasn't intended to be. My brain attempts to say "Snap out of it!" But too much of me doesn't want to. Too much of me wants to indulge in the tide of emotion. Too much of me wants to feel sorry for myself. A part of me even believes I deserve it, and wants to feel miserable because I deserve to feel miserable.
Why am I so ungrounded?
Why am I so easily tossed?
Why can't I be a stable person?
It's so impractical. So silly. And yet I can't help it. I desperately need someone else to give me perspective. I am incapable of doing so myself.
And then come the accusations.
I'm a Christian, shouldn't I just be able to rely on God an know that everything is okay? Shouldn't I have a more eternal perspective on life? Be able to rise above such petty things? How can I be a good role model? How can I be the support my friends need me to be? How can I be a useful human being if I can't manage my own emotions?
After the accusations comes the second guessing.
Is this just me? Am I just one of those moody people? Or is this part of my depression? Did I forget to take my meds? How do others see me?
I'm so sick of it!!! [insert sobbing here]
I'm going to put on some Soul Food music and attempt to get something useful done today.
