Hagah!

Thanks to barenakedislam.com for the picture.

I hope this doesn't gross you out, but I love the idea of a lion nomming away at something it's just caught. It enjoys it immensely. You could probably hear it purring or even growling a little in its enjoyment of such a delectable meal. At least, that's how I imagine it.

Do you know the Hebrew word hagah? It means to murmur in pleasure, murmur in anger, ponder, mourn, speak, imagine, and study. Isn't that an incredibly complex word? I love it. It's my favourite word.

I've been teaching a Contemplative Prayer workshop for our church family, and have realised that I need to do a better job of explaining where the idea of meditation comes from. To quote a more experienced teacher than I, meditation isn't an Eastern religious concept that Christianity is trying to change for it's own use. It's something given to us by God from the very beginning, something that became twisted into the emptying of oneself rather than the finding of oneself in Christ.

My evening, after watching the Saskatchewan Roughriders football game, was spent researching what Hebrew words ended up being translated as "to meditate," at which point I ran across my favourite word, hagah, again (it keeps coming up) as well as a few new ones. It was enlightening. And satisfying. I had an hour of good hagah time as I dug into the Word. I need to enjoy God's Word like that more often. Meditate on it in the study sense. I encourage you to do the same. 

Stuck in the Middle

Thanks to ohgelie for the photo. It's perfect.

One of the toughest places to be, in my opinion, is stuck in the middle. Right now I'm stuck in the middle of being able and not able. I've been on a medical leave for the last year, not able to work. I'm now at the point where the act of not-working is exacerbating the situation, making my condition worse. However, I'm not yet well enough to go back to work full time.

To make things tougher, I'm a teacher. There are very few teaching opportunities that are part-time, especially for someone who has a continuing contract. Like me. There are days when I love my class and have so much fun teaching - days when it just clicks. Then there are days when I come home and bawl my eyes out, wanting to quit. Now, I can hear the other teachers out there saying, "That's just normal, honey, it's called being a teacher!" But this is more than that. This is feeling swallowed by despair because you feel like you're inadequate. Incapable. Untrustworthy. I'm not talking about a Really Bad Day. I've had those. I've been teaching for 6 years. I'm talking about honest-to-goodness despair. Now that's scary.

Now comes the "stuck" part. I love teaching. I love the kids. It's everything else that overwhelms me. Submitting year plans and professional growth plans and discipline plans. Paperwork out my wazoo. And then, there's this: I truly believe God called me to be a teacher. I feel like I would die without the opportunity to teach. "Then why do I feel so useless? Why does this overwhelm me so much?" My head and heart argue with each other, and I end up in tears. It happens so often, I'm sick to death of it.

Today's one of *those* days, obviously.

I've started looking at other teaching options. Tutoring. Being a home school facilitator. Teaching online. I keep thinking they'll be less stressful. It'll be easier to work a flexible schedule and not deal with 6 different groups of 30 rangy hormone-driven kids each day. You know the problem with them all? It takes me out of the classroom. And so I don't know. I'm stuck.

If you're reading this, I'd appreciate some prayer.

The Humility Project

www.popgoesthereader.com

I've recently been reading a chick-lit book called The Rosie Project. Cute love story, a little too free with the sex (and language) for my usual tastes, but a cute story. I would recommend it. In fact, the cavalier presentation of sex is partially addressed in the book - infidelity - and faithfulness in relationships is held up as the more rewarding option by the end of it. This irreverent approach to sex didn't bother me until I watched an entirely unrelated movie.... Her. 

www.louderthanwar.com

Her is a unique movie, I would recommend it to very, very few. It, too, approaches sex casually. Beyond just depicting casual sex, it includes phone sex and sex jokes in its portrayal of a blossoming romance. It isn't trying to be funny - it is actually quite tasteful by worldly standards. It is nothing like the sexually crude comedy I can't stand to watch. Its goal was to be cute and romantic. But.

Watching Her coloured my world in a very negative way. It coloured my intimacy (not just sexual) with my husband so that I felt dirty. It coloured the cute book (The Rosie Project) I was reading so that the portrayed relationship felt more sexual than it was actually written to be. It really put me off. It bother me, a lot, that society takes such an off-hand stance when it comes to sex. Intimacy is supposed to be highly treasured... 

When I was talking about this to my husband, who was wanting to know why I was so "off" that day, my explanation put him in mind of the movie 50 Shades of Grey that is set to release this spring. He noted that we are becoming more and more like the ancient wealthy societies who had nothing better to do than wallow in their own depravity. I'm thinking Romans and Greeks. Then he made an interesting point...

What was Christ's response to the depravity of the world around him? He mourned. I'm thinking of the well known "I long to gather you together as a hen gathers her chicks..." spoken over Jerusalem in Matthew 23.  He didn't rant and rail against the evils of the world (I'm thinking of the many blogs and articles I've seen decrying 50 Shades of Grey and those who are entertained by it), but rather spoke love in humility and mourned. 

I need to learn how to mourn rather than rant. 

Magnetic Poetry I

Magnetic Poetry I

Herein doth grace
Sanctify a mortal dream
This perilous melancholy to make light
And thus
Shall my ghost yield me
To love and mercy vouchsafed

A poem I wrote a few months ago using the Shakespearean words magnets on my filing cabinet. :)

16th Day of Lent

photo courtesy of davidsmommy.com

I didn't grow up observing Lent; it's a fairly new idea to me. I should rephrase that - taking it seriously is a fairly new idea to me. As a child I had friends who would give up things like chocolate for Lent and my inward response ran along the following lines: 

"What a silly way to show one's devotion! As if giving up chocolate is actually going to help them understand Christ's sacrifice any better... I don't observe Lent, and I have a great relationship with God... Are they just giving it up so they get 'brownie points' for heaven? What a silly, works-based idea that is!"

Judgmental, I know.

Lately I've been taking another look at the traditions of the church and have been able to see the value in it all. The act of disciplining ones self to daily thematic readings; meditating on the purpose of the cross; self-examination; making a concerted effort to pray about specific church ministries; all these suddenly have value to me. While I haven't chosen anything to sacrifice for Lent this year, I do love the spiritual discipline of the season and find myself drawn to the idea of doing more to observe it for next year.

Today's post is going to ramble a little as I have another topic I wanted to talk about, too.

photo courtesy of ubdavid.org

Today's reading was from John 3:1-17, the section where Nicodemus meets Jesus up on the roof top in the dead of night to ask him questions. It's obvious from the beginning that he admires Jesus, calling him "Rabbi" from the very first. What struck me today was how flabbergasted Nicodemus was by Jesus' description of being born again - born of the Holy Spirit.

"The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear the sound of it, but cannot tell where it comes from and where it goes. So is everyone who is born of the Spirit." John 3:8 (NKJV)

The Holy Spirit works like the wind - you can't see the wind itself, just its effects. Jesus outright explains the working of the Holy Spirit to Nicodemus, and he is floored by such an awesome mystery. And yet I take our gift of the Holy Spirit for granted... for shame!

I'm humbled by that realization today, and my prayer is that the Lord would make me more like Nicodemus. I want to sit at Jesus feet in wonder as He explains His mission to me. I don't want to take Him for granted anymore.