Voice of Truth
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Take a minute and listen to this song: Just Be Held - Casting Crowns
That's me right now.
I'm so thankful tonight. I was wandering lost in the Slough of Despondency when a dear friend noticed that I'd begun to wander and called my spirit to attention, reminding me Who our God Is. Blessing me with Fortitude - of all things - and the ability to stand strong through this time of need. It was exactly what I needed. My soul cried, longing for the exact things he was praying for me. Tears poured from my eyes, just as the words of blessing poured across the bruises of my heart.
You see, Pete and I are out of money.
We've been bleeding out to the tune of $4000 each month, and we've now come to the end of what buffer we had. Attempts to find a job have been fruitless, and even so, any job I could have found wouldn't make nearly that much, so we would have continued to slowly lose financial ground anyhow. Our budget is only capable of being cut back by perhaps another $1000 at best.
Tonight I started the application process for student loans, intending that we'd make up some of that financial shortfall by having me become a full time student. Difficult as it would be, it seemed to be the only option we had left. To my dismay, the application forms require several hoops which will be incredibly difficult, if not impossible, for me to jump through simply because I already have two degrees, and am taking these courses as prerequisites to beginning an actual program. Needless to say, it was disheartening.
And then I found out that I received a 59% on my final assignment of the psychology course I just finished. 59%. I don't think I've ever done so poorly in my life. It was like a punch to the stomach.
All of a sudden I was assaulted by doubts. Should I be pursuing my Master's in Counselling? How can I even think of it if I can't keep my marks up? Was it a mistake to try? Was it a mistake to quit teaching? If I hadn't quit teaching, we wouldn't be in this financial mess.
Everything I'd striven for was brought into sharp relief and questioned. I was in shock. I couldn't even cry. I had no idea which direction was up, much less the inclination to turn my eyes Upward. And then, my dear friend saw me, and reached out, and righted me. Pointed me back to the God of gods. The Almighty One. He Who Holds the Earth Together. He Who Knows Me. The Loving One.
"All of my life, in every season, you are still God. I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship."So, now I choose. I choose fortitude, not rescue. I choose faith, not assurance. I choose to be stretched some more, to allow the cracks in this vessel to widened so that the love of God can pour out as quickly as I am filled. I choose to listen for His Voice. The Voice of Truth.
Now listen to this one: Voice of Truth - Casting Crowns
