Nothing Doing

I was thinking about my blog a few weeks ago and trying to figure out why I don't post on here more often. At the time, I thought, "man, I don't really use it at all. I could just get rid of it." But didn't.

Tonight is a perfect example of why I keep it around.

My heart is full, and it needs to go somewhere. So, here it is.

Have you ever felt the juxtaposition of having empty days and yet still feeling mentally exhausted? That's me right now. All my mental energy seems to be going into my schooling (I'm working on my master's), and that means the rest of life - relationships and people I care about - are suffering. My temper is shorter. My patience is thinner. My perspective is narrower and more selfish. I don't have the energy to be the generous person I aspire to be.

The last few days have been particularly difficult because I've been working on a group project, and it hasn't gone as smoothly as I'd hoped. One of my friends asked if I'd heard about a new movie. I immediately turned to a different friend and asked if he wanted to go - not even considering the first friend. Today, I invited a friend over for the evening as a perk for the long weekend and a treat for me. I failed to see that much of my behaviour that evening was either ignoring what my friend was needing or was actually damaging to him.

I guess a good summary of how I'm feeling would be too say that I'm trying, I'm trying really hard, but nothing I'm doing is good enough. It's not working. With school, with my responsibilities, with my relationships. And that sucks.

But I'll keep trying. There's got to be an end somewhere, right?

What is Pride?

So, here's something new:

What if pride and humility aren't emotional, but rather patterns of thought. Processes. Things that I think habitually.

Some of you are probably thinking "duh," but this is a new concept for me. I came to the realisation tonight that I have no trouble admitting that my emotions are broken, but I can't admit that my thoughts are broken. There's something wrong with me emotionally, but not logically. I am knowledgeable and intelligent and wise... and then there's my pride. And I would dance around this idea of pride being a problem that I couldn't quite identify closely enough to begin working on. Well, now I can see that it's because the problem 

I've been trying to think through is a problem with my thinking. That's like trying to see the glasses you need to see with.

No resolution, yet, but the knowledge of what pride is.... That's valuable. That gives me a place to start. You see, thoughts are the behaviours of the mind, and as such can be trained.

Now I just need to know how.

Soapbox

30 Day Writing Challenge
Day 10: Write about something for which you feel strongly

That's a tough one for two reasons: I either let things slide, or get far too passionate in the moment. One day I'll be up in arms over something and the next I won't care a hoot, so choosing something I feel strongly about is tough.

I could talk about ignorance and the arrogance that so often accompanies it. Our (especially in a local sense) society seems rife with this type of ignorance. People who have an opinion just because they heard someone's third-hand story. Because they want to feel like their voice matters. Because there is something in them that has cried out, for years, for attention. For affirmation. For recognition.

Ah. There it is. I knew if I started fishing around a bit among my pet peeves, a real passion would take the bait. My real passion is for broken people. For how they are treated. For the way in which they treat themselves. Especially for the way they treat themselves. You see, everyone's broken, but most people pretend they're okay just so they can move on. Is that even right? I'm not saying we should all walk the earth wearing a veil of tears mourning our losses and nursing our wounds. I'm saying we owe it to each other to be open, honest, frank. Allow others to see that we, too, are hurting. That way they can see - we can see - that we're not alone. Acceptance from someone who is also broken is powerful. It's more than just acceptance. It's love. It's healing.

If we are going to thrive as beings, as creatures, as beautiful spirits, then we need that healing to begin. We need to stop hiding our wounds and pretending we can walk on a broken ankle. We need to reach out.

The scary part is that when we start to reach out, there are those who are so afraid of their own pain and damaged from their own pasts that they will automatically lash out at any sign of vulnerability. But even so. If we aren't the ones to start this unifying necessity, who will? We can't all be islands forever. If we try, we will die.

So there. That's my soapbox. And in light of that, I urge each of you to begin reaching out in little ways to be more sincere, more honest, more open, and more vulnerable than those around you so that the healing of Grande Prairie can begin.

Pride Again

It says something that I already have a post entitled Pride, and here I am writing about it again. It says I'm not learning as quickly as I'd like.

Confession time, friends: I'm having a really difficult time not being really upset and deriding myself right now. You see, I let pride get the better of me tonight. I let a construct of who I was take centre stage, attempting to upstage God himself. And all in the name of ministry.

I don't want a false me to minister to others. I want to be useful. Pliable. Attuned to Holy Spirit.

God, forgive me!

Forgive me for putting on that authoritative hat, for assuming my job, and for taking the reins. Forgive me for praying what I thought needed to be prayed target than for waiting for your directions.

Thank you for working despite me! You are so great, so powerful. Truly you are Almighty God.

http://www.pastorpriji.com/

Glance in the Mirror

Have you ever come face-to-face with a part of yourself you didn't like? Hated, actually? I don't mean obvious sin-nature kind of stuff, I mean parts of your very character that you didn't know were there.

That's me tonight.

I was reminded of my arrogance, my presumption, my lack of consideration for others. Especially those I'm closest with. It's not pretty.

In fact, I feel like I've betrayed confidence. Betrayed trust. Betrayed who they are to someone else. And, really, I guess that's what I've done. You see, I like to have knowledge. Knowledge of things, knowledge of people, knowledge of procedures. All the knowledge. And I like to share it. But what happens when it's not mine to share?

I hurt my friend. The one who shared with me in trust.

This isn't the first time I've done this, either. A few years ago I did it again to another friend. I shared something they were trying to keep confidential.

It's easy for me to justify my actions; I'm an open person and don't keep things secret in my own life, so it's hard for me to put myself in someone else's shoes and imagine not wanting to share. But that's no excuse.

Lord! Help me to be more considerate!! I'm tired of hurting those I care about.