Grace and Compassion

Ps. 145:8 

The Lord is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and rich in love.  

This afternoon I had the (slightly less than current) worship song in my head, spontaneously, as an outpouring of my heart to God. I've been stretched, like a rubber band, these last two weeks. "I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter over too much bread." That was Bilbo Baggins from Lord of the Rings. I can empathize.

Hark.com; Bilbo Baggins

This week the Lord has been gracious. I have seen his compassion. Time after time, commitments melted away in front of me. Either something was cancelled unexpectedly, or it was moved to another time or date. The expected "chicken with its head cut off" feeling never came. I not only "survived" my week... I enjoyed it.

Once more I feel as though I've been granted a boon. Despite the looming tidal wave of marking (There are days when it really does pour off my desk!), and the deadline for report cards, the upcoming budget and staffing meeting for the church, the frustration of absent students and seemingly apathetic parents, the lack of groceries (I haven't had enough time to go shopping, so we've been eating cobbled-together meals for the last week and a half), a driveway with too much snow and not enough traction, and the general sluggishness that comes from being cold, dark, and snowy.... I'm content. That's a long list of things that should be bothering me. I'm dwelling on it because normally (Is that really the word I mean? Perhaps I mean traditionally?) that would be overwhelming me. But God has gifted me with that "peace that passes understanding" (...down in my heart!).

I have a great class of students. I am loving teaching leadership. I have a small "fan club" in the younger grades (they recently found out I play Minecraft.) I have some adorable grade 8 Filipino girls who are shy and quiet but brighten up and say hi to me every chance they get. I have an amazingly understanding and supportive husband. I have creativity, and snugness, and seem to have found a rhythm to my evenings - no more scrambling and feeling like there isn't enough. It's inexplicable. Entirely. I am blessed.

Know what was really cool today? We were discussing the Protestant Reformation in class today, and one girl stayed behind to ask me more about grace. I was grinning inside.

Mourning, Grief, Fear, Loss

How often can a heart break
Mend, knit, heal,
Only to reach out "too soon."
Tear open the freshly healed wound,
Bleed out,
And find itself broken again.

My eyes are weary of their own -
Tears, redness, exhaustion -
Surely I have nothing left to cry,
My heart is empty,
Yet
My spirit groans within me,
Giving cry to that
Which my mouth can no longer express.

Wash of mercy,
Wave of faithfulness,
Tide of grace.

The hand of the Lord upholds me.
He looks with
Mirrored sorrow
On my burdened heart,
On my burdened family.
He catches and treasures each crystalline tear
In a bottle.

Be the daily portion and prize,
Sustainer,
Healer,
Redeemer,
Almighty God.
Be my sufficiency.

What is Faith?

I've been reading Mere Christianity (CS Lewis) slowly ... paragraph by paragraph sometimes... in the mornings. Recently it's led me on a journey into what faith is, the different types of faith, what it means to live by faith, etc. Part of it relates to what I've already been learning about humility and being "poor in spirit." In this particular chapter Lewis talks about coming to the point where we realize we've done our utmost and are still incapable of attaining righteousness. This is the point at which we need to say, to God, "I can't, you need to do this for me." That is, we need to give up. He then continues to explain that this means leaving all our trust in God; trust that He will cause things to turn out all right in the end. I think my favourite quotation from this section is as follows: 

There would be no sense in saying you trusted a person if you would not take his advice. Thus if you have really handed yourself over to Him, it must follow that you are trying to obey Him. But trying in a new way, a less worried way. Not doing these things in order to be saved, but because He has begun to save you already. Not hoping to get to Heaven as a reward for your actions, but inevitably wanting to act in a certain way because a first gleam of Heaven is already inside you.

I found that a very apt summary of the ragtag thoughts & feelings I've been pondering over the last while. I love finding succinct quotations of something that I've already been learning and discovering... it's very encouraging. 

Pride

"... it was through Pride that the devil became the devil: Pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind." - C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

What a thought. No wonder God saw fit to bring me down a notch or two, I was trying to compete with Him. I was useless for what he wanted me to do. I was a clay pot who thought she knew enough about pottery to try her hand at repairing other clay pots, and too foolish to realize I didn't have any hands. Clay pots don't have hands. I was a clay pot. How often did I look in the mirror and fail to see the pot for the clay? What a gift to be able to see clearly now what God has brought me from.

Praise God that I'm a silly little pot who's learned to rely on the Master Potter and not herself!

Tossed

To feel oneself drifting,
tossed about
flippantly
on winds of abandon...
waves of expectation.
Tossed, with loss of dignity,
as a dwarf tossed by an elf.
And yet.
Yet.
I can feel an anchor.
Oh, but it seems a slender cable
in the tumult of life.
But
my anchor holds,
and though I can no longer see shore
for the driving rain,
I am not lost.

Dichotomies and Trichotomies

So, I've been thinking a lot lately about my di/trichotomy of an existence at this juncture in life. Teacher, wife, gamer, writer, church leader, and medievalist... which of these is me, which was me, and which will I continue to be? Some are easy to answer. I'll always be wife and teacher. That's just a no-brainer. But I've begun to lose the writer because of the teacher, and the medievalist because of the gamer... Can I actually keep elements of all of them? Can I be happy without elements of all of them?