Bleeding Hearts

Courtesy of thoughtsbrook.wordpress.com

For years I've loved Psalm 56. It's comforting in how it pictures sorrow, fear, and surrender to God. God knows. He understands. There is nothing he doesn't see. Here it is:

Be gracious to me, O God, for man tramples on me;
all day long an attacker oppresses me;
my enemies trample on me all day long,
for many attack me proudly.
When I am afraid,
I put my trust in you.
In God, whose word I praise,
in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.
What can flesh do to me?

All day long they injure my cause;
all their thoughts are against me for evil.
They stir up strife, they lurk;
they watch my steps,
as they have waited for my life.
For their crime will they escape?
In wrath cast down the peoples, O God!

You have kept count of my tossings;
put my tears in your bottle.
Are they not in your book?
Then my enemies will turn back
in the day when I call.
This I know, that God is for me.
In God, whose word I praise,
in the Lord, whose word I praise,
in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.
What can man do to me?

I must perform my vows to you, O God;
I will render thank offerings to you.
For you have delivered my soul from death,
yes, my feet from falling,
that I may walk before God
in the light of life.

My tears in a bottle. I wrote a song about that once, long ago. The fact that even my sorrows were cherished... that blew me away.

My heart aches, it feels as though it's bleeding out, slowly, inexorably. I've been in battle, and it terrified me. My spirit ran and hid. I see now that I am not the noble warrior I thought myself once to be. When spiritual battle comes so close to home, close to the heart, I am weak.

Our enemy is devious. He is wise. He is patient. He waits until the perfect opportunity and finds the perfect location to strike. Not only has he struck our marriage again, but he has struck at me personally. He is using a dear soul, a friend, and twisting her emotions. He is lying to her, and using her to strike at me. To strike at us. And it hurts! O, how it hurts! On so many levels!

Courtesy of tinybuddha.com

• I hurt for us, for our marriage. It is being stretched and pulled and torn at. If we had not already been made aware of our weakened state, this attack would have pulled us apart, I'm sure. I need to take up my shield again, my role as shield-maiden, and yet I find myself so out of practice, so weakened, that I cower.

• I hurt for my husband who stands in the battle field combating his shadow self - black demons that look just like him, but in reality are the Flesh. He's already battling so many other imps and goblins, why must he battle himself, too? 

(c) Ashley Marie Egan

• I hurt for myself, I ache with feelings of a friendship betrayed, the lost respect from someone I love, all because she's listening to the Enemy's lies. I buckle under the weight of guilt, somehow believing this attack to be my fault. I know it to be another lie, and I try to fight it. But with it comes more guilt; "If I had been connecting to God as I should have been, I'd be able to fight this battle properly. I'd be prepared, not hiding. Not afraid." These hisses and whispers are strong and convincing.  

• I hurt for her. She doesn't know how lost she is. She has identified with the lies, with the twisted truths, with the voice that says she's a victim and will always be a victim. I miss her, the real her. My friend. I plead and beg with God for her restoration. I can't handle seeing her like this. 

All I can do is cling to another Psalm, the next Psalm, actually. This one shows a clear response to trouble: praise. Here is Psalm 57:

Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me,
for in you my soul takes refuge;
in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge,
till the storms of destruction pass by.
I cry out to God Most High,
to God who fulfills his purpose for me.
He will send from heaven and save me;
he will put to shame him who tramples on me. Selah
God will send out his steadfast love and his faithfulness!

My soul is in the midst of lions;
I lie down amid fiery beasts—
the children of man, whose teeth are spears and arrows,
whose tongues are sharp swords.
Be exalted, O God, above the heavens!
Let your glory be over all the earth!

They set a net for my steps;
my soul was bowed down.
They dug a pit in my way,
but they have fallen into it themselves. Selah
My heart is steadfast, O God,
my heart is steadfast!
I will sing and make melody!
Awake, my glory!
Awake, O harp and lyre!
I will awake the dawn!
I will give thanks to you, O Lord, among the peoples;
I will sing praises to you among the nations.
For your steadfast love is great to the heavens,
your faithfulness to the clouds.

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens!
Let your glory be over all the earth!

So, my best choice (and only thing within my power to do) is to praise Him. I'm happy with that choice.

Listen to this: Blessed Be Your Name

Courtesy of atbethel.org