My Yearly Update?

So here's a thing - I've noticed that I only need this space about once a year (ish), but when I need it I really need it. It's my thought sorter. It's my listening ear. It's my place to actually just be, and whether or not I've been heard at least I've been able to express myself.

But for those of you who actually follow this blog and for those of you who might stumble across it one day, I owe you an update.

My master's is going really well - I'm in the internship portion and already have my own independent referrals coming in. I honestly love this job. So much.

We didn't move for that job I'd applied for. I ended up not getting it (despite their best attempts to finagle things and hire me anyway). I do have a job at my placement site, so I'll start making actual money in January. In the meantime my husband has quit working and it's honestly been the best decision. He's so much healthier and happier now because he has the time and brain-space to attend to himself.


Know what's bothering me this time? Personal relationships.
I have always struggled with being codependent. I tend to swoop in and rescue people and then not allow them to develop the independence they need to be healthy (because then they wouldn't need me!) as a means of self-affirming my identity. It was pretty twisted, and by the grace of God I'm glad to say I've overcome that mentality and even lost most of the associated habits.

However.

Then something happens and I don't know what to do.
A legitimate desire to support someone who is learning to accept support from others but is holding me at arms length. Or, so it feels. I'm accustomed to being close to this person. Legitimate family. And I'm struggling because I'm coming from a place of honest desire to support (No Codependency!) and they're learning how to accept honest support and now all of a sudden I feel like I'm the only one they won't accept any support from. It's like my hands are tied and all I'm trying to do is reach into their life and be present. Be alongside. Ensure they know they're not alone.

It's an incredibly discouraging feeling. To know you're capable and yet unwanted. You feel quite helpless, and that's a difficult thing for me. I've honestly been crying and praying and writing through this all day and I'm okay with where I've ended up.

I can't control their reactions. I can't control their choices. I can be hurt and upset, and with reason, but then I need to manage my own self and ensure I stay available. I need to refuse to allow my own hurt to cause others hurt, which means I go to God with hands open. Maybe barely open, but open. It's not my job to hold or carry my friends, my family, my loved ones. It's His.

Absorbing hurt so that it doesn't pass on to someone else is really hard to do. I think that's actually a good description of what it means to forgive. I absorb it because I love the people who hurt me. I want to be the loving hands and feet and voice of Jesus to them. I can't do that without grace. I can't do that without forgiveness.

Also - there's so much freedom in the knowledge that God's got it. He's big. He's much more capable than I am. I'm safe to open my hands and not carry anyone because God.

So. This is me trying.

Thought Sorting

I’m honestly feeling pretty overwhelmed, I’m just not sure why.

Terrible sleep – I was woken by my husband smacking me in his sleep.

Draining interaction with my hairdresser, as much as I like her.

Concern about a best friend who left work today due to an extreme physiological stress reaction. Concern about another friend who just moved 1200 km away yesterday only to find he’d been scammed and doesn’t actually have a place to live. And then there’s that group of online LGBTQ Christians that I’m trying to influence positively, those are all things I was juggling during my hair appointment today.

Then came another friend. An imposition. One I’m willing to make, but an imposition nonetheless. She’d had a tough day of her own and needed a safe place to reset her brain and get it out of the negative funk it was trying to maintain, so I’m allowing her to use my dining room for the evening.

And then my husband’s friend shows up to play a game, without clear communication about when he’s coming or if they’re planning to play here, and with his wife as well. So suddenly and I felt expected to spend time with them and give of myself even more. Ah. That’s it. There are the tears.

When husband’s friend arrived, he commented (with amusement to me while hubby was elsewhere) at how flustered my husband seemed with their arrival. My response was a little sardonic. I said, “Yes, because he relies on communication.” It hurt him, and I apologised for being so biting. He asked why I was like that lately, and my answer was that I’m doing school right now, but it’s so much more than that.

I’m doing school.

I suddenly feel pressured to get a job so that my depressed husband can be released from carrying the heavy load he’s been carrying for so long. (Here come more tears.)

The job I’ve applied for required moving cities. Lots of change. Lots of difficulty. Even being away from my husband for a while (months!) as we transition. I’m not excited about that because right now I feel like I don’t have the resources with which to deal with any of it. I could look for jobs here, but the one that requires moving would help me set boundaries. Have a fresh start on setting boundaries from the beginning. I truthfully am looking forward to the possibility of moving just because I’d like the fresh start.

I can see I don’t have the boundaries I need. I see that I need space, but then I see someone who seems to be in worse shape than I am, and I accommodate for them. It slows my own healing.

But what do you do when your husband needs to spend time with his friend playing a game that’s a really fun and recharging activity for him? He needs to have people. I really need to not have people. And I think I might be the stronger/healthier one of us right now. And none of this is easy to explain because I have to think out loud. Or on paper, apparently.

You know that “hide in bed until the world is an easier place” feeling? Yeah. That.

Image credit: https://simplegreensmoothies.com/